My Netflix Deal Must be Lost in the Mail.

In some personal news, I’ve been given a Netflix deal! I can’t get into the details. Because I haven’t received them yet. The deal definitely exists, but it must have been lost in the mail.

At this point I can only imagine how the deal is structured. I did stand up 3 times in college, so it wouldn’t surprise me if they want to produce my first hour. I have a pretty tight 5, so I hope they give me a few weeks to write the remaining 55 minutes. I suppose I could do it in one if they’re desperate for the content. Though, if they were desperate, Netflix could send the paperwork a second time. Since the first must be lost.

Come to think of it, once the Post Office finds my lost Netflix deal, somewhere in Ohio maybe, it probably outlines the details of an overall development deal. I could write and star in a binge-worthy sitcom based loosely on my exciting life as a mildly successful marketing manager who occasionally writes amusing, but not quite funny, essays. Think Mad Men meets Seinfeld meets…Caroline in the City?

I also paid several hundred dollars to a Kickstarter campaigns in the mid-2000s. The reward was an executive producer credit on a friend’s movie. With that experience, I could helm a handful of prestige docu-dramas or a newly acquired Marvel franchise. Once the deal arrives in the mail, I’ll know for sure how many series they want from me, of course.

You would think they’d send such an important document with tracking. It only costs a couple of extra dollars. But I guess that’s how you can afford to produce so much streaming content; by cutting down on postage. Mailing out that many agreements would run even the highest revenue company into the ground.

I’ll be patient. I’ve been through this before when my invitation to take over Tig Notaro’s Twitter feed got lost in my spam folder. I’ve been retweeted by a handful of TV shows and celebrities, so that’s the only logical reason I can think of.

I’m more shocked that it’s taken this long to get my first contract with Netflix than I am that the USPS is unreliable. I figured after I had trended on BJ Novak’s List App one time, that I was ready. I wasn’t, apparently. Then again, the USPS is unreliable.

At the end of the day, I am humbled by Netflix’s interest in my content. If anyone has their phone number, or a contact at the post office, let me know. I’ll start working on my hour.

What a Nice Little Newspaper.